so here, let me tell you.
it was back when i was still a 12th grader. exactly one and a half year ago, i remember when my dad called me from his bedroom, wanted me to come. he asked me about things i wanted to do after i graduated from high school, i told him, 'i don't know. maybe ITB, but not really sure' he then said 'why don't you go for NUS or NTU, like your brother?' my brother was a student in NUS. at first i didn't know what to say, i was just a simple-minded girl, you know? i was so immature and childish that going abroad to study had never been in my dictionary. but my dad wanted me to, so i thought, well, maybe, this time, i could change myself, stop being an ignorant little girl? after all, hard work wouldn't really hurt right? and my dad really wanted it as well,
so why not?
a few days later my dad signed me up on this cram school that was specialized for students who wanted to get enrolled in those two universities. it wasn't in our town, though, it was in Kelapa Gading, Jakarta and i lived in Bogor. it took approximately 1,5 hours by car, and 3 hours by train.
i'm telling you,
it was so tiring. math and physics were harder than the ones i did at school. on sunday when my friends were all resting, i went to jakarta to study for my exams. always left home at 6.30 am and then arrived again at 3 or 4 pm.
it had always been like that. it was so tiring. but i wasn't the most tired one. my dad wasted so much money on this, he drove me there every week as well.
at the very least, all i could do to repay him was study.
but let me tell you, it was hard.
i'm not a genius, i'm just me, a normal girl. i'm not my clever hard-working brother. i'm just.. me.
in december, during the 2-week holidays, when my friends were all on vacations, i was always either on a train, or a bus, or in class doing math and physics try-outs and stuffs. i was hardly ever been home during those 2 long weeks. i got up at 5 am, left home at 6, and then arrived again at 11pm. it was so tiring i'm telling you, the most tiring weeks in my life so far. i'm not even kidding.
during the long bus ride, i often either slept, or listened to music, or sometimes read textbooks.
weeks before the actual UEE, even at school, i studied stuffs from my cram school. real school wasn't even in my top priority. when the teachers weren't there, or at least weren't looking, i sneaked in some math and physics materials from my school and studied. when the others were working on biology or bahasa indonesia, i was always the only one who did math and physics.
truthfully, didn't know what i wanted to achieve. was it merely just to please my father? was it really worth it, though? i personally even thought that i wouldn't make it there. i can't. i wouldn't. i wanted to, i really wanted to, but i just couldn't. here's the thing about me, i can't really do well on things that aren't given from school, no matter how hard i try. like OSN stuffs, you know how i was such a loser on things like that right?
and this UEE stuffs weren't from my school, so...
and the worst thing was, i didn't even really know what i wanted to do. if i kept on wasting my parents' money, i might as well just disappear..
so i failed.
still.
i didn't have any regrets. i tried so hard. so. hard. people might misunderstand me, even my mother does. people might think i'm a fool, or a lazy-ass, but well...
you don't know what i've been through. i'm telling you, it was hard. even now when i think about it, i still get teared up every time.
at least now i'm used to hard works, though, and i guess i can do quite well in college because of it.
the experience wasn't worth all the sweats and tears, at least now, but i'll try hard to make it so someday.
fyi, i'm now a freshman in FTMD (faculty of mechanical, materials, and aerospace engineering), ITB (Bandung Institute of Technology). and here I'm happy.
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