goo goo ga ga

it's so easy to overly romanticize your transformation, make it seem all positive and beautiful. but change is a difficult thing, oftentimes, it hurts us. that pretty butterfly that we see flying around our garden was once a goo inside a cocoon, was once shapeless, once lost its former identity.

i think now i've become a goo. i have shattered my former identity, i have moved from one state to another.

if you ask me, i don't really feel accomplished. it just feels like i'm losing myself, i'm losing everything i once had. to reach this state, i have gone through very difficult steps, but still it isn't enough, of course. even after all those hardships i still feel emotionally drained and wounded. it's like nothing is ever enough.

it's easy to say "i feel content" but do you really feel content? do you really accept whatever you are right now, no matter how painful the situation is? to really accept oneself unconditionally is not an easy task.

i am a goo now, and life is still as hard as ever, if not harder.

there's no way i can make it all seem pretty and positive, because it's not; it's hard work. i need to do whatever i can to rediscover myself, reshape my character, reform my destination, even, perhaps. i'm full of doubt, what if i can't make it out when i'm out there, even though i've worked my hardest to reshape my character? what is even "work my hardest," there's no concrete parameter to quantify it, so how do i know that i've done everything that i can? on top of that, what if i can never be as good as everyone else seems to be? it's not a very pleasant feeling, i assure you. feeling confident feels so cliche now, so obnoxious.

but i guess it's okay too because i know for sure probably everyone, and that includes people i admire, has gone through this process of losing and rediscovering themselves. so as pretentious as it may sound, i feel grateful that i have the opportunity to experience more or less the same experience as other people; it makes me feel normal. i know that everyone's transformation experience is unique, but everyone's -- my --uniqueness isn't an excuse to exclude ourselves from the rest of us... if that makes sense.