i remember those words carved on a pillar at the center of my division work area at the old building. i remember my first day of working in my current company, being a clueless (almost) fresh grad, reading those words and thinking, damn... i think working here would be a challenge.
well... it has been.
but the career aspiration that i felt was so jumbled and misaligned is slowly finding its direction through the experiences that i've gotten from working here.
academic achievement was a big thing for me, it was the source of my self worth somehow. though now i'm trying to have a work-life balance where i have a life outside of my work, career achievement still is a big chunk when it comes to my self worth.
well, now i got projects to manage. i got responsibilities. and sometimes becoming a "big girl" is not as appealing as it looks. anxiety, my old friend, creeps up a lot of times. during my first couple years of working, anxiety got the best of me. then i learned to navigate through all those uncomfortable feelings... i'm still learning.
but when i feel anxious or challenged (in a healthy way), i try to see it as a test.
it's all a test to see if i have learned my lesson. there were lessons after lessons that i had to go through, mainly regarding my self worth and confidence. "have you been learning?" i feel like if there's a teacher, s/he would ask that question.
to just take it day by day.
to just focus on what's in front of you, to do your best.
to trust that whatever is happening in the background is for your highest good.
sometimes i feel like what i do isn't enough. sometimes i feel like i want to rush the process. sometimes i don't want to do something i'm asked to do. sometimes i want to show up and lead. sometimes i just want to hide because i'm so anxious. sometimes navigating these uncomfortable and often paradoxical feelings is just too much and i get exhausted physically.
anyway, the lessons have been telling me to relax.
to just... relax. just do your part. just show up everyday. just take it day by day.
external validation is important, but internal validation is the foundation of everything. one thing i've learned from working corporate for 4 years now is that you can't emotionally rely on external validation at all. they come and go. it boosts your morale, but don't get attached to it. it really feels like navigating a relationship with a man who's playing hard to get...
it's like, he will come when he knows you're worthy.
so don't chase after him. just increase your worth, day by day, focusing on your plate.
...and flirt with him a little bit will help too... to let him know you're available for him, of course.
that's why internal validation is key. how can you focus on your day to day routine, on your (at times) mundane plate if you can't internally validate yourself?
"hey, you're worthy. trust that whatever is happening in the background has been orchestrated so that you will get the best outcome, if you just do your part. also, chill, you don't have to rush to a certain position, because even in the know you're enough. quality life over quantity life. enjoy the process."
anyway, i'll relax now. sleep. wake up. and perform, again, as usual. :)
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