Ok I haven't done this feeling justice,

not because I don't think it doesn't exist, more so because I don't talk about it enough.

So here we go again...

I just want to romanticize someone, a man. Who doesn't ask for more from me. Who's just there, providing, making me safe.

Is he for me? 

Only God knows, and in due time I'll also find out too. But right now, all I know is I feel like I've found one of my soulmates. He's a good friend, one of the closest ones. And deep down I know I will always appreciate his presence. I don't know if there will be any other man who will come along some time later. All I know is he will be one of the good ones.

...

"Gapapa, tenang," katamu

Selalu ada yang berantakan di dadaku

Sesak, tak beraturan

"Yang penting bahagia," katamu

Kau menyampirkan selimut di tengah hujan

Kau menyeduhkan teh hangat untuk aku yang demam

Aku mampu sendiri

Tentu, aku mampu

Aku ingin menjadi diriku sepenuhnya

Aku masih di perjalanan

Masih banyak hal yang aku inginkan

Namun kamu tiba-tiba ada;

kamu siapa, dan maumu apa?

...

I appreciate everything he has done for me. All those calls and him listening to me cry when I can't even be a should to cry on for him. All those help with work and all those encouraging words. I appreciate that he wants to spend time with me, to uplift me, to share stories with me. I appreciate everything we have.

My mind is sometimes playing tricks on me: I don't think he's good for me, he distracts me from my own self exploration, he will leave sometime later. I mean, it's probably true. And I did distance myself. But I guess it hurt the both of us. And I wanted to be mature about all of this and just face it like an adult would, to just be responsible with all of my close connections, and most importantly, be responsible with myself i.e. accepting the fact that he's a good person to be around.

My abandonment issues come up to the surface. And I know that she's been hurt and I can't guarantee the future, I can't give her empty promises.

But I will try to balance these feelings.

To develop myself and still extend myself to people I care about.

Because I know I need them. And God, please let me do this...

Because I care about him. And God forbid I hurt him.