this is my muted scream mwehehe

and then i got into adulthood and somehow i'm now almost 27. and i hate everything around me and i wish i could be better than this but i'm here and i'm stuck and sometimes i wonder is there something wrong that i'm doing? and i guess OF COURSE THERE IS, and that is i'm denying this need of wanting to belong and feel loved and somehow i constantly reject it and act nonchalant, when really, it's what i want.

can't help but feel so extremely flattered when my mom understands that i'm tired. i remember those days when she would just shut down my feelings and told me to not act like a bitch about it. idk what changed, but when i told her that i was tired she understood and empathized with me. i guess my parents do love me, they do, they really do.

anyway i know that the only way to get past this situation is to understand that i'm my own person and i'm not my brother and i'm not any of my other friends that i REALLY AM my own person, and even then i'm enough and i can move forward.

but i can't help but feel... so bad about my circumstances.

i guess it's just my head fucking around with me, making me hate myself. why would i even hate myself, what did i do to deserve this hate?

to just smile, and look at the bigger picture. it just makes sense. one path may not be good for you, like going home via KRL was just like torture, sometimes. but there are numerous other ways of commuting, and you just need to explore.

anyway, even when what you're going through is just so bad you want to puke, that feeling of being stuck is just in your head. i feel like i'm gaslighting myself. but i truly believe if u're just willing to see the bigger picture, it makes sense that you are stuck... because this just isn't meant for you, i guess. and sometimes rejection is divine protection, and there is always another path for you to take on.

what i'm saying is, i don't deserve all this hate that i'm pointing towards myself. honestly, even when one person appreciates my presence in this world, that's enough. and i'm truly flattered that my parents and my sibling care about my well being.

honestly, i cannot love anyone until i love myself. and i haven't loved myself. i haven't done myself justice.

even though i've tried, sometimes... i just can't help but hurt my own self.

and i wonder why nothing's going right.

and it's easy to say love yourself, but if you get into real life cases you'll know just how cliche that phrase is... how can you love yourself, when you're not yet in a place where you thought you would be by now? how can you love yourself, when you don't even have anyone to talk to, really, and the one you want to talk to the most doesn't want to talk to you at all? how can you love yourself when you're just that unsatisfied with how your life turns out?

you just want to blame yourself, and nitpick everything that you've done wrong, and also compare yourself to other people--i mean, if they can do it, why can't you?

and those are the thoughts that just automatically come up in my head every time i feel like my life isn't going right. and sometimes i feel like self criticism is just this really strict teacher that just wants me to move forward... but i don't move forward. so i guess whoever that is isn't doing a great job at teaching.

but i'm enough.

and it's not that my circumstances are enough, it's not that the people around me are "enough", it's not that what i have is enough.

simply i'm enough.

and what i mean by that is even when one path doesn't work for me, i can look for other ways to make my life worth, to live as authentic as i can be. bcs if it doesn't work, it's not the end of the world, it's not the end of myself, it's just the end of the situation, and I can move forward.

I am enough.

I don't have to bring anything with me.

I am enough. I am enough to stick through and move forward.