I can do a corporate job, try to figure out how to climb the corporate ladder, and subsequently granted a comfortable amount of money doing it.
I can try to go abroad to study, and then come back with lots of ideas to implement in order to help the less fortunate.
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At the end of the day, I believe I'm here to give, to be beneficial to other people, to society, to this earth. I don't know how much I can do, but I believe this intention will take me somewhere that's meant for me--somewhere that resonates with my heart, that brings fulfillment to my soul, as well as help others a little.
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What is it, though?
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There's this post that I saw earlier that just made my heart sank. It's not much, it's just about a mom who quits her job the very same day she returns to work after completing her maternity leave. She cries hard on her way to work, leaving her baby behind must hurt so much, I cannot imagine...
It got me into thinking, hard:
When I have a baby,
Will I be able to leave him/her behind for a pursuit of other things (partly) outside of the family?
Or will I be able to have the freedom, both on emotional and physical level, to juggle these two aspects of my life?
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That's when I realize,
No matter what, everything always goes back to this one little vision, a frame of photo you may say, that I have in mind, one that I believe describes what a happy life for me would feel like:
a morning with baby giggles, wide smile on my face as I teach him/her to walk, a caring and sincere husband beside me to provide for us as a family.
And I think that is the life worth to life.
The life where I prioritize nurturing the most vital unit of society: a family.
But it doesn't stop there.
A mother should know how the world works, at least to some decent extent, in order to be able to teach her little ones how to navigate it better.
My intention is still the same: to be beneficial to others. And if I can inherit this value to my little ones somewhere in the future, I think it's a big win. But in order to give, I have to be it myself.
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To my little ones, that I haven't even met, seen, heard, or even known if you would ever come at all...
First of all, I hope you will come indeed. :)
Second of all,
I know you cannot choose from whose womb you're gonna be born, but I hope I, your mom, am enough. I know I will mess up sometime in the future. I know someday you will feel like life is too cold a place to breathe in, and my presence will only make it worse. I know that I won't know how to be a good mom 100% of the time, maybe I will get sidetracked by other things, there is always a possibility.
But regardless, I hope you will grow up fine. I hope you will grow up to be someone whose life will fulfil your own soul and others too. I hope you will be able to contribute to society in a way that resonate with your heart. And even when you can't, even when you're tired, I will still hold you in my arms. Let's try to navigate this world together, step by step.
To my little ones,
I don't know when I will be able to meet you.
But currently I'm doing everything I can to get my life together. I'm trying to mend my relationship with my mom too, so that I can be a better mom for you. I'm trying to be responsible at my work, so that I'll know how to manage my time better, or better yet gain some financial freedom, to prepare myself when I have to prioritize you, and then work, some time later. I'm working on how to regulate my emotions better, I'm working on how to love better--starting with family and friends first.
To my little ones,
I love you unconditionally. I love you with all my heart. I love you.
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