Going to a therapist for the very first time!

I'm writing this solely for the purpose of documenting what I talked about with my therapist an hour ago.

I always have this feeling that I have to proof to other people that I am not a failure. But from that discussion, my therapist told me that I am not a failure. And I shouldn't even try to proof to other people that I am not a failure, because I am not a failure... like why do you have to proof what's obvious?

Sure, failure can happen.

But the problem is, I generalize my failure in certain areas into something that is a part of what I am? We all are humans, and we have our own shortcomings AS WELL AS strengths, so it's natural that we fail in certain areas of our lives. But then, it is wrong to think that we are a failure. Because even though we may fail sometimes, we are also great at other things. And this is what we need to realize and understand and internalize.

You know, my therapist told me that I look over my strengths and just focus on the things that I don't have yet figured out. I never realize what my strengths are, that's why I'm always anxious what if something goes wrong? What if I can't do it? Because my focus is on my shortcomings rather than what I can do.

Here's the thing. And this is the core of it all.

I told her that my confidence level always goes up and down for the majority of my life. Sometimes I can engage and be a part of the society, a functioning member, but sometimes, my confidence level is just so depleted that I cannot do much or even deliver successfully. I have always tried to get back up whenever I feel that my confidence level is at an all time low, but it's not a long lasting effort. I mean, it always goes down again like a few years later or something. This has been a pattern that I have in my life so far.

But she then told me, maybe it's because you don't have the right foundation yet. It's like trying to build a house, brick by brick, but you forgot to lay down the strong foundation first. So when there's something that may attack your stack of bricks, that is your house, it is bound to fall down.

And then  a bulb just lit up in my head. Wait, that could be true. But then, what is the foundation? I asked, 'what is it then, the foundation? Family?'

Then she understood, she asked, 'what happened in your family?'

Well, I told her everything. My brother, my mother, my father. Growing up, I always felt like I got compared a lot to my brother, that what I can, my brother can too and I'm not amount to anything. My mother also told me that I was a failure. Something that she doesn't remember now, but it's carved in my memory... I guess, forever.

At this point I cried.

Even talking about it now, I feel like crying.

But point is, I have internalized that sentence, "You are a failure." That came from my mother. And I never even realized it. I only realized it like 2 hours ago when I did that therapy.

She then helped me realize that even though we have our own shortcomings, we may fail at certain things, we also have some strengths that we can focus on and cultivate.

She helped me realize that I have also some strengths of my own, something that I have never really thought about. 

Sure, in life we fail at certain areas, we are not perfect. But thinking that we fail in certain areas isn't the same as thinking that we are indeed a failure. There is actually a 50:50 chance that we may succeed, but honestly that is something that we cannot control. What we can control is the process. How to reach that 50% success? By doing your thing, by focusing, by actually committing to work and be a team player.

And even when you fail after you've tried your best, you can get back up.

You have strengths, you know it. And some of them is you can learn, you like to learn, and you're not afraid of asking other people.

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So, let's?