Saat ini gw lagi di McDonald's Juanda. It's national holiday now, so I got a day off work.
Anyway,
Kenapa ya avoiding dan numbing your feelings itu mudah banget? Menghadapi your myriad of emotions, trying to find a way to actually better your situation, seems so hard for me.
Saat ini gw lagi baca diary gw dari tahun 2020. Ada banyak entry tentang gimana gw selalu ngerasa worthless, cerita gw tentang apa yang gw rasain tentang orangtua gw, tentang masa-masa TA, tentang gw yang saat itu nganggur dan pengen banget kerja.
Gw lihat seberapa berjuangnya gw untuk keluar dari pikiran-pikiran gw sendiri yang, I daresay, jahat. Gimana gw berusaha banget untuk gak percaya sama kata-kata di otak gw yang bilang gw failure, yang bilang gw won't amount into anything in this world. And also that heartache because i was yearning for a job.
Lucu, gw nulis beberapa hal yang mau gw lakukan: lose 10 kg of weight, baca beberapa buku, kerja di multinational company--dan sekarang gw udah mendapatkan itu. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.
Tapi pun gw sekarang tanpa sadar sudah di sini, masih banyak hal yang gw worry, ya it's natural, manusia kalau gak punya worry artinya mati gak sih? Either way, selalu ada the next best thing yang kita yearn for, right? Funny and ironic...
Dan worry gw saat ini adalah tentang: How to keep this job and fulfill the expectation? How do I lose another 10 kg? How to make friends? How (or when) do I find my soulmate?
Yang paling bikin heartache yang pertama.
You see, i find it hard to show up in front of other people. I'm so afraid I would disappoint them. And i'm a master of avoidance, so I procrastinate a lot, I avoid social situations as much as possible.
Tapi gw gak bisa menghindar selamanya. Dan semakin sering menghindar, semakin susah untuk gw menghadapi situasi itu. It's outrageous. Anxiety... is one hell of a bitch, right?
Lucunya, thanks to my 2020 self, gw sekarang punya journal entries beserta quote-quote dari buku self help yang bisa membantu gw make sense of it all.
Di buku diary gw di tahun 2020 itu ada salah satu quote dari buku berjudul Daring Greatly by Brene Brown: "We should remember that victory is not getting good feedback, avoiding giving difficult feedback, or avoiding the need for feedback. Instead, it's taking off the armor, showing up, and engaging."
Showing up itu emang yang paling susah. Showing up ketika lu masih belum banyak tau, showing up ketika lu vulnerable dari sisi knowledge or skill, showing up ketika lu tau banyak orang yang bisa punya mulut atau gelagat gak enak, dan itu pun bisa ber-impact pada your financial well being. Tapi, and here is where it gets tricky, justru di masa-masa itu lah di mana showing up is exactly what you need. Iya kan? Showing up while taking off the armor is true victory.
True courage, i believe, is showing up with vulnerability.
.
.
Saat ini, I would like to see myself as a rock that needs grinding and polishing. When you first grind a rock, you will need a rough sandpaper first, and then you get into the smoother ones. Right now, it's kinda rough for me. But i know i will get into the smoother ones sooner or later, i know.
So in the mean time, gw mau berusaha jadi berani dulu. Berani untuk show up tanpa armor dan instead, dengan vulnerability.
And i think this is the right choice.
.
.
Tapi... no matter how much i show up, this anxiety will still come and go, right? i've been dealing with this for years now, i know my anxiety.
Untuk bener-bener mencabut akar pahitnya... kayaknya yang bisa gw lakukan cuma go to a professional, to really assess my situation. I can't deal with trauma by myself I think...
Sigh. This is a huge decision tho, i think?
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