love cells

i haven't done justice to my built up stress. my constant anxiety that i am accepted by my family solely because i am now technically self sufficient. my constant anxiety that what if in the future, i won't be able to keep this up. me not knowing what i'm good at and what i want to do. me not having a place that accept me for who i am.

i am constantly tense. i haven't been able to let loose.

"Just don't think too much and just give life all you got," I say to myself, forcing my body to get active.

but at night, sometimes, this anxiety worsen.

.

why is it so easy to get hurt? i'm afraid of getting close to someone else because i don't want to get hurt. not knowing whether i'm loved by my family, expecting that i'm loved by my family, and facing the reality that maybe they don't love me fully hurts a lot... and i don't want to feel it again.

getting hurt by someone you hold dear... is the worse.

so these days, i've been shutting down my desire and my emotion. telling myself that feeling lonely is a lot better than having to face the risk of getting hurt if i ever open up to someone emotionally.

.

some days, i just want to ask my parents, "what if i don't succeed in life, even though i've tried? will you still love me? will you still support me?"

then maybe if they answer, "of course, we will, we will help you get back on your feet if you ever fall." i will be able to let loose, i will be able to be secure.

.

but tonight, i'm still afraid.

i'm already used to being alone anyway. it's comfortable this way. it's safe. i don't have to feel afraid, i don't have to face the risk of getting hurt.