this will not be a good piece of writing, but look, i'm writing anyway

am i a hypocrite?

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saat ini lagi di dalam coffee shop, air conditioned, sipping a 20k worth of sugary drink which absolutely isn't a necessity. sekitar 30 menit lalu lihat ke luar ada bapak-bapak narik gerobak, jualan cermin. i thought, "how much does he earn in a day? does he have enough to provide for himself and his family?"

i felt sympathy. i felt guilty, somehow. "someone should help him, and others like him too," i thought. but i didn't go. i could've been that helper, but i wasn't.

beberapa hari yang lalu, gue juga liat bapak-bapak masih pake kostum badut doraemon from the neck down, dia gandeng (presumably) anaknya. lagi-lagi saat itu gw bertanya, "how much does he earn? does he have enough?"

but that's it. then i went on with my day, completely forgetting those people that i, once, felt sympathy towards.

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i don't know how to say it, but heck, what am i even doing with my life?

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i want to do something, how insignificant it may be, how trivial. if it'll help them, if it sustains, i want to take part in it. but 'want' isn't a strong enough word. what's the bridge between wanting and acting? a strong enough conviction? ...lol. it couldn't be more cliche than that. but what is it then?

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um, jangan-jangan sesederhana people do something simply because they have what it takes?

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so after all, the saying that goes, "never go beyond your means," applies to this kinda situation too.

and resources that we have and we need as a fuel to do something aren't just money. it's time, it's your mental capacity, your physical capacity too.

so... if i don't do something, though i want it hard, it's because i'm just simply not 'there' yet. this sounds like an excuse, but it makes sense. see, in my head, the general picture of 'helping those in need' always looks like joining a community with clear vision in mind, spending my weekends doing voluntary work, and such.

but look at me now. i'm not the best at time management, i'm not the best at pushing myself to get up early on weekends. i get tired physically and mentally from my 8 to 4 day job. i'm still working on my own mental state, to provide for myself emotionally. not to mention, i have anxiety when i deal with people that i barely know. it's hard to push myself to do all that right now, i'll get overwhelmed.

...though i want to get over it, it's my own shortcomings that i should overcome.

i will get there, little by little. ever so patiently. from my 24 years of living, i've learned a lesson that forcing something isn't the way to go. so, it's a journey, just like everything in life. all i need to do is just to get the ball rolling.

and, good news; i can do the small things right now: sedekah uang secara langsung. though not that sustainable, at least it will keep that good intention of 'wanting to help those in need' loud in my head. at least, i will always remember that i want to do better at this.

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at least, in my head, it makes sense. am i a hypocrite?

a clear yes or no would be kind of hard. but i hope, by trying my hardest (in my own capacity) not to be one, by always reminding myself that i don't want to be one, is enough.