Eyy&Est

it's 3.36 am now and i'm not going to promise anything grand with this piece of writing, bcs, well, it's not like my other writings are decent per se, but i'm just saying that i'm not even going to think about what i write. it will be like me talking to whoever you are reading this.

i just want so say that life is kind of... weird, but in a good way. three years ago i was suicidal. i'm not proud of this, i was in so much pain. i cried almost everyday wishing for a little bit, just a little bit, confidence for me to hold on. i needed that sprinkle of confidence for me to believe that my life was worth living in, worth fighting for. i didn't believe that i could be better. being healthy was just too much to ask for.

now it's almost 2020, a brand new decade. and i'm getting a lot, lot, lot, lot, better (and even this is an understatement!). it feels like i have left that part of me, and grown into a new person. it kinda feels like emerging from a cocoon to become a tiny butterfly, not a beautiful one (yet, at least), but i have started to emerge.

i know that there are still so much to learn, so much to heal, i'm so far away from perfect. i get scared still, scared of not being enough, scared of hurting other people. but the ground that i'm standing on is enough for me to at least hold on, and improve, and improve, and improve, and always improve. this present moment is enough, it gives me so much space to grow.

life is funny, i've said it in the second paragraph, but it is, it really is. three years ago, on my lowest point, i read something along the lines of, "the good thing about having experienced your lowest point is that there's nowhere to go but up." and god, was i really disgusted by that stupid and foolish sentence. i thought, you fool, have you even experienced your lowest point yet? do you know what extreme sadness and hopelessness feel like? i can't see anything. it's dark all over me. and you promise me that i will get better? screw you, fuck you. you don't know anything.

i was really, really disgusted by that sentence. i didn't believe it, i didn't believe a word. but three years later, it turns out to be true. it was really hard to see the end of the tunnel, and that was why it was hard to even believe that there was indeed the end of this tunnel. but there is, and i feel like i'm almost there now.

if there's someone reading this, and you think that your life is worth nothing, that you think that you better just end this life because it will never get better, just know that there is a strength within you. there is a strength to hold on. just hold on. the only one you have is you anyway, so believe in yourself. i know this sounds cliche, but i hope you understand, that you're born to live, you're born to hold on, you're born to be strong. it's okay to be stagnant once in a while as long as it means that you're prioritizing yourself. there's no one in this world that will love you as much as you love yourself, that will believe in you as much as you believe in yourself, so do that. love yourself, believe in yourself. i wish you could hold on. i can't promise anything, but i hope you can believe in yourself.

life is one hell of a ride. but we're born to ride this life.

and for myself, let's heal and improve a little more everyday :)

i love you, self.