11.15 pm

i don't know why i'm not happy.

maybe because i'm having a hard time right now. i can't properly see which way to go, i feel like my mind is going numb sometimes. and it's so hard to keep going when you know that the road you take is so bumpy, that it will inevitably hurt your feet.

i'm scared, that's the whole point. i'm scared to get hurt. my feet is already hurt, it's been deformed. and i know that it won't break any time soon, but it still hurts every time i take a step. it tires my soul every time i'm at a crossroad. i'm so far out my comfort zone.

i want to be courageous and brave, to take responsibility in this life choice i made a year ago. this is probably the most important thing in my life so far. and i believe that as long as i finish it by this year, i can get through anything in life.

as long as i can finish this by the end of this year, i can be that fearless amazing girl i have always aspired to be.

but the fight feels so lonely.

and that, most of all, is probably the most valid reason as to why i'm not happy.

i'm alone, walking timidly along this very bumpy road that i didn't ever know i would take.

i want my family to support me emotionally, unconditionally. i want to talk to a few of my bestest friends, i want to listen to what they have to say about me and my fights without judgment. i want someone to hold me and say, "it's okay, i'm here, i love you no matter what."

i don't want to be pessimistic, but that sounds too good to be true.

at the end of the day, i only have me.

and i, at least until i finish this, need to be content with the only thing i genuinely have: me.

-----

wrote this while listening to and the waltz goes on by anthony hopkins, love today by mika, violin concerto in B minor by paganini, and juwita by chrisye: a couple of cheerful melody, followed up by a very strong one, and then a very lovely and gentle melody again. i love how my musics sometimes match my mood.

and before i wrap this up, i kinda feel like putting juwita's lyrics here. this is so lovely. the most romantic indonesian love song i know.

Selembut kurasakan tatapan rembulan
Kau dewiku bintang kejora
Tiada lagi cahaya kudamba
Mengusik kalbu dalam pesona

Seindah panorama bak lembayung senja
Kala hati dimabuk cinta
Kudibuat smaradahana
Bagai legenda Rama dan Shinta

Engkau juwita bagai bunga
Mahligai rama-rama
Pelita hati, penyuluh hidupku
Kehangatan menyatu
Tiada kata semanis madu
Kan hasrat menuju cita bahagia