Eyy&Est

ever since i was little, i always knew i was ugly.

it all started with my mother that said, "are you not embarrassed, going out looking like that?" and yep, and by "like that" she meant me wearing my ugly body, and ugly skin, and ugly face.

and then, a few years later, she evolved to, "you know? you embarrass me."

lol, when i was a kid, i thought being ugly didn't really mean anything. so what if i'm ugly? i don't care! if i recall correctly, other than my mom, there were at least 2 people that called me ugly. lol, i didn't care. i thought, "yeah, i'm ugly. so? is that an insult?"

dude, when puberty hit me, everything went downhill.

in high school, insecurity got the worst of me. i thought i was of no worth. i thought i was a cast away, a failure, an ugly duckling. i thought i was ugly, and stupid, and everything bad. i was sad. i was depressed and pressured.

yes, my now super bothering insecurity started during my high school days. well, quite a big chunk of it came because i had a really weird/strange/problematic situation in junior high. but to be honest my mom was the fuel for a little bit over half of my insecurity. well done, mom!

i liked astronomy when i was in high school, so i joined this astronomy competition. but i didn't win, i didn't even get through the second selection, heck. i was depressed, because i thought astronomy was my passion. i really wanted to win this, but i couldn't. i told my friends that i was also afraid of telling this to my parents, i was afraid that i would disappoint them. they all say it would be okay, they would understand. so i came home, hoping to get some support from my mother. after all, she's my mother.

guess what happened?

she really got mad.

i cried my heart out when i got home. i said, "i'm sorry i didn't get through."

she replied, "YOU LAZY BUM, THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS FAIL!"

and that's how i got my first ever depression. i cried every day for months after that competition. yay for me.

fuck.

i'm ugly, and i'm a failure. nobody has ever been this unlucky.

why am i never enough for even my mother?