jam 1:19 dini hari

i guess it's just my insecurities kicking in.. you know? i still do not know. i am afraid. i'm scared that it was all just an illusion, so i shrugged it away like it didn't happen. yet, it did. again, and again, i shrugged it all away. but then again, now that i come to think of it; i shouldn't.. should i? because it only brought disaster, and regrets.

but i don't know, i still don't know. i'm like an old man with a super poor eyesight trying to walk at nighttime; i don't know any direction unless someone leads me.

in-se-cu-ri-ties.

i don't know how it all began. maybe since elementary school? maybe since birth? i've always thought that i'm not worth it. to do this, to do that; to overcome anyone, to learn anything. basically, i don't even know if i have any self confidence. it's true. it's always hard for me to find my positives, but it's easy to list all the negative things i have in me. is that normal though? and it's like an obstacle for me, to be better.

insecurity is like a slippery bowl, and i'm a little ant inside it, trying to get out, but can't.

useless. ugly. defeated. weird. stupid.

but you know? i do care. i'm not a sassy bitch deep inside. i think about people often. you, him, her, them, us. i just cannot show it that much. i'm afraid i'll get rejected, i'm afraid they will kick me out, i'm afraid you'll get ashamed of me. on top of it all, i'm afraid that i'm not worth it.

but i do, care. much. i think about people often. i'm sorry, i just can't show it. maybe somebody could help me overcome this one slippery bowl?

and well, this is just an intermezzo, it has nothing to do with my writings above, but yea. well, i don't think i belong in here. Teknik Material. keren. ingin di situ. tapi...

jadi gini. jadi kemaren ada kelas fisika, kemaren banget. lagi ngebahas hukum 0 termodinamika, lagi ngebahas temperatur gitu. dan si dosen tiba tiba bilang "ya kalau temperatur bintang ya gabisa dihitung dengan terapan hukum 0. ada metode lain buat tau berapa temperatur bintang"

dan langsung. hm.

diagram H-R, ya, pak? spektroskopi bukan, sih?

masih belum ikhlas ninggalin mereka, hehe. masih mau tau lebih banyak, masih mau belajar itu itu semua... iya sih. gua di situ gak pinter kok, gua biasa aja (right there, the insecurities). bener-bener biasa. tapi beneran, gua pengen tau tentang semua itu gitu loh. ngerti kan? "even the dumbest ones deserve something they call passion," gitu katanya mah.

kelas 10 seyakin-yakinnya bilang "mau FMIPA ITB, jurusan Astronomi"

seandainya waktu pendaftaran SNMPTN kemarin masih punya pemikiran se-innocent itu...

bakal gimana yah? yang pasti sih bakal mikir kayak gini seminggu sekali: "TPB setahun doang kok ris, nanti juga taun depan belajar astro lagi. diajarin sama dosennya kak anggi. mungkin bisa ketemu kak anggi. bisa belajar lebih banyak. ke bosscha malah. main teropong, trs bisa ngapalin peta bintang.  semangat TPB-nya, setahun doang kok."  seandainya, loh. hm.

kangen kamu. iya, kamu, kalkulator scientific berpangkat kurang ajar. :""")

tapi apapun yang diberi Tuhan pasti yang terbaik kan? gak mungkin nyesel kan ris? :))))