child(less)

mou, isshou janai

I always knew it would be impossible to have a child, and yet I still entertain the idea of being a mother.

Somewhere in a distant future, I thought my vision of building a family whom I love would materialize.

But no matter how much you deny the facts, it would catch up eventually.

I wrote a post of when I bought a pair of baby socks randomly (and I still have it with me), thinking these pair of baby socks would eventually be worn by its rightful owner: my future, unborn child. Well, I think he or she would never come, and those baby socks will remain ownerless.

So, I guess the possibility of me being able to conceive a child is getting slimer and slimer day by day. I'm going to a gynecologist now every 2 weeks, I'm on hormone therapy. Hopefully, at the very least the doctor eventually would find out why and tell me so that I could really let go.

--

Big deal, huh.

I can't say I've made peace with this piece of information about this flaw in my body. I haven't. Well, at least not completely.

Growing up, topics of family would always tear me up. I know how important my relationship with my family is. I'm not the most romantic, or the kindest in the household... but I always knew they were my anchor, my foundation in life.

And it's just such a bummer to realize that I won't be able to build one just like that in my adult life.

I'm not denying that coping with the fact that I'm probably going to stay solo for the rest of my life requires a heck load of sense of self. It requires a lot of strength, a fuck ton of it.

Because when you know that it would just be impossible for you to build a family, you don't hope anymore. And living solo with the hope of someday achieving a bright, American dream is one thing, and living solo with none of that hope is another thing.

What I always say to myself is, there are a lot of ways to feel happy. And happiness can come from many different sources--career and travelling would benefit me most. I trust that life is worth living anyway.

And yet there's still a part of me that longs for what I cannot have.

Truth is, I need this fuck load of sense of self, I swear. Because even when I'm not 'whole', I am still a full on person no matter what, I still can do anything I want and achieve my dream of travelling the world and having a successful career. I am still worthy anyway.

And this internal conflict will ensue probably for a few days, but I know the intensity will get lower and lower... and a day will come where I have accepted the fact that, yup, Ariska is still Ariska no matter what. No less, even just an inch.