4 April 2021

last year this very second, i was probably in the middle of bawling my eyes out over the fact that i had to face a home that, out of everything in life, i despised the most.

it's 2021 now, and everything is very much different. 

the mother that i once had so much bottled (negative) emotions for is now the source of my solace, my sanctuary. her smile is basically the sunshine of my morning. i in fact just called her right before i opened this tab, and boy did i feel so much warmth solely from that voice of hers over the phone.

but of course, that's not the only thing that has changed.

i'm also still struggling with my religion, worldview, and whatnot. i still find myself going sideways, or even backward, trying to find excuses to not do the right... thing. i know that going back to Allah, worshipping him with all my might, learning about Islam properly is the only way to live correctly. it's just that... why is it still so hard for me?

i'm trying tho, i promise. with this little energy that my weak body have, and with this wavering heart, i'll still try to connect with Him in whatever ways that my rather uneducated mind knows of.

semoga setiap harinya diberkahi yah...

also, this might come off as a surprise to everyone around me, but my career trajectory, before i even knew it, has changed its course completely. i'm now trying to make a living off of marketing... which i practically know nothing of. how swell, isn't it?

i don't even know if it's even my life anymore. it's way too different than how it was a year ago.

but i guess that's just how it is, that's literally what transitioning into adulthood really is.

.

i'm 23 years old and i'm still struggling.

i'm still struggling to be the best person, the best muslimah, that i can be.

i'm still struggling to learn about my day job, to learn about communication and public speaking, to be something of value at work--and on top of it all, to give meanings into what i do.

i'm still struggling to live day by day, but at least i got an abled body and a family that supports me with everything that they have. and i know how corny and cliche this might sound, but can i just say that, besides my own sense of self, my family is all i need to keep moving? of course i can.

.

get your feet on the ground, stand tall, it's okay to make mistakes! just do it, act, and learn on the go!

be agile, ris!

kata nike: just do it~