it would be easier to just have my heart pierced, so that i would die a quick death. i wouldn't even feel it.

all that's left now is just resentment and insecurity.

4 years ago i got out of that feeling because i knew that i had a goal and i was ready to cut everything off that didn't serve me. but now i realize that i can't just cut it off without analyzing it and learning from it, or else i'm bound to have it happen to me again in the future. no i don't want to fall to this dark pit again for the third time.

but even remembering it is very hard for me. i can't even tell anyone what happened in the past, what made me feel like this because i can't even tell it to myself. all i know is that i'm hurt. but i have submerged the memory.

it's been hard for me. i don't even have anything else to fight for. even a dream sounds so obnoxious. i know i need to reach out to someone, anyone, but i'm not ready to do that, i mean, what can they even do? i want to go to a therapist but i can't afford it, i need my parents' permission and they won't understand.

i'm stuck here and i want to just die so that it will get easier.