pagi ini saya memutuskan untuk melontarkan pada dunia luar semua benang-benang pikiran yang sedang kusut di dalam otak, yang sibuk meracau, membuat layu benang-benang lain yang seharusnya dijadikan prioritas. ah, intinya: prioritasku sedang disandera. detik ini, mereka belum mengizinkan aku hidup.
harapannya, setelah tulisan ini selesai, mereka menyerah tanpa perlawanan. hmmm semoga.
selain itu, saya juga berharap tulisan ini gak dibaca siapa-siapa... kalau kamu kenal saya dan kamu sudah terlanjur baca, seenggaknya jangan ngaku ke saya kalau kamu baca, ya. hehehe.
oke, deh.
oh, ya, saya mau menulis tentang perasaan
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i never want to admit this, but relationship problems have always drained my energy. always. a crush that doesn't work or a connection that goes wrong always has me feeling unwanted and not enough. every time someone leaves, i always think that it's my fault and i'm guilty and i should be ashamed for thinking that i deserve this.
i honestly never want to admit how much a guy can hurt me and how long it usually takes me to recover lest someone will think that i'm weak or soft. but now i do, though it's embarrassing, now yes i admit it.
this fear of being hurt makes me want to avoid guys altogether.
but then my issues don't just stop there.
i honestly can't make up my mind. my fear pushes me to avoid them, but then i also have the urge to get closer to them. i can't really choose between the two, so what always happens is one day i act like i want them, another day i ignore their whole existence. always on and off like a damn switch.
and then of course they will leave. then i will be left feeling guilty all over again.
it's like a cycle in which i'm trapped to perish.
what i've just realized is that my fear is probably stemmed from the fact that my self-confidence depends too much, way, way too much, on their feelings about me. if i think they're interested in me, my confidence goes way up to the roof. if i think they want nothing to do with me, my confidence just dies right then and there like it never exists in the first place.
i'm codependent on them, but i'm always in denial.
my confidence shouldn't have depended on anyone else at all, i really need to internalize this.
when someone i find interesting isn't interested in me, it's not the end of the world, it's okay. how can i not see that i am not made to be liked by someone else? i am alive because i have a mission on this earth. i think i've always been unknowingly mistaking my identity as a girl who needs to be loved, when as a matter of fact, it is not true. i am a human who has a mission to make this world a tiny, tiny bit better. no more, no less.
how can i not see that i am not here to be liked by my crushes?
it's insane. it's outrageous.
now i want to get into my power.
confidence is a god-given trait. it is my birthright. no matter how i look like, what i do, i deserve to have my own sense of self.
i make mistakes, but my identity is not reduced to what i've done wrong.
now;
when you're interested in someone else, you don't have to force the universe to let you know how they feel towards you,
just do the right thing: one act of kindness at a time,
show them that you care, let everything flow just the way it is, let it grow slowly,
without stressing them out, pestering them, avoiding them,
then it shall be enough;
if you see them not interested in you,
also remember that your sense of self is not reduced to how you think they see you,
and thus if there's an issue you will learn to resolve it properly,
without stressing them out, pestering them, avoiding them,
and you'll learn to let it go.
to end my rambling, let me repeat this once again:
i think i've always been unknowingly mistaking my identity as a girl who needs to be loved, when as a matter of fact, it is not true. i am a human who has a mission to make this world a tiny, tiny bit better. no more, no less.
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