The pearl of my day

this has always been something that cheers me up with no actual reason at all. i know this may sound crazy and dorky and yea you name it, but astronomy has become my daily dose of sanity to me. OK. This may sound like what-the-fuck-dude, but ok, i admit i'm no good at this, i suck most of the time, and im not like them who get medals for doing it. but yes, i can say something crazy cant i. im perfectly in love with this.

as a matter of fact, i haven't touched this stuff, at all, for clean 5 months. five. months. not because i was bored with it, more like, "i don't think i deserve this" and also with a lil touch of  "what for?", get it? i love it, but during those 5 months, idk, i thought, maybe my passion was just fake maybe i lied to myself maybe this was just bullshit maybe stars weren't even that happy to see me maybe i was delusional for thinking that i deserved to learn. but then it got me. when i saw them learning and getting tutored.. i wanted to be like them. like, (this will get more hyperbole but believe me, i did feel this way), i didn't have to make it to the next step, if i got the chance to learn, then i would have no regrets. i didn't want medals, i wanted to know more. but of course, i didn't have the chance. so i.. basically my faith in me had drastically decreased. i basically (a lil bit) gave up on this stuff, which i called passion and other hyperbole thingy. i didn't even look at the stars anymore every night. yes, i know this is too much haha don't read.

so yeah. low self esteem you see? i started to do whatever to distract me from it. i did, and i was happy, but not that kind of happy. i was grateful, for this was practically a lesson to me, but i didn't know for how long i should wait to be as grateful as ever. (i know now, tho, haha, *fingers crossed*)

then, just a week ago. i was getting the chance again. not to learn, more like to "give". idk. (tho i skipped one and a half sessions, but i wont anymore, i couldn't make it at the time). i now realize that dealing with this stuff again makes me feel happy for no reason. i just realized that i've longed for this.. and with this little touch of pearl every friday, i know that maybe gazing sky is on my to do list again?

im not the smartest person, but even the dumbest ones deserve something they call passion. am i right?

thank you for giving me a chance to be what i like to be.